


Breathe

by eithelx



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, M/M, fluffy ending of sorts, non-tragic, reflection of my thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-21
Updated: 2017-12-21
Packaged: 2019-02-17 20:21:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13084635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eithelx/pseuds/eithelx
Summary: Chanyeol doesn't understand why Kyungsoo is the way he is, and Kyungsoo... Well, he's caught in a hurricane.





	Breathe

“Why are you crying after all?” The voice reached his ears from above. It was muffled, as he still had his earphones on, but the music was low enough to make him audible.

 

“Why shouldn't I?” He replied in the same old, monotone voice, hoarse from still being down on the grass. His eyes remained closed, there was no need to open them and face the burning sun above, when he perfectly recognized the voice that spoke to him.

 

“You are always crying, Kyungsoo, that's not normal.” The latter went on, sitting by his friends side, shuffling his not so clean school pants against the cold grass. “You have to have a reason, to cry all the time” –He said it again.

 

Kyungsoo had expected this from him. It felt like he was being charged, everyone seemed to want to find a reason for his sadness; but he, the most interested person on the subject, didn't even bother to it.

 

“What is it with you guys, insisting for me to find some sort of source to my unhappiness? Can't you seem I'm fine like this?” He responded, pushing his body up, settling on seating down by Chanyeol.

 

“If you were fine, there would be no crying, nor would you be in such depressing state.”

 

Kyungsoo felt his stomach churn, not in a good way. He hated that word, and all its variants. Depression, Depressing, Depressed. He knew what that meant, the definition, people have been repeating that word to him for years passed; and he really hated that word.

 

“Shouldn't you be in your class?” Kyungsoo chose to respond, ripping his earphones off his ears. The sound of the strong wind against his ears was not pleasant, perhaps that was what he wanted.

 

“Shouldn't you?” –Chanyeol scoffed, shrugging his shoulders, crossing his legs like a child and looking down hill.

 

From there he could see the whole school complex. Wide and old buildings, surrounded by hills in one side and modern architecture on the other. It was one of the most prestigious schools in South Korea; perhaps in all of Asia. Not many people could afford studying there, Chanyeol couldn't but Kyungsoo could.

 

“You should look around” The taller one muttered, gripping his shirt and pushing it down for the third time on a short period. “There are people next to you that have it so much worst, and still manage to find happiness.” –Kyungsoo knew, he was talking about himself.

 

Maybe that's one of the things that bothered him the most. Knowing that, besides being from a poor family, having to work and study and taking care of his siblings, Chanyeol's smile never faltered.

 

Kyungsoo was intrigued by it, all the shine and the strength of it; he was jealous of Chanyeol's smile. Maybe not the smile, per say, but how he could sou effortlessly look and feel happy, even though he was always so exhausted.

 

 

“You are such a shitty friend.” He answered, not being able to look at Chanyeol's face as he rose to his feet. “You know shit about how I feel, and you choose to simplify by saying people are feeling it worse. I do know yours or anybody else pain, just like you don't know mine” –He spat, shoving his cellphone inside his pants front pocket.

 

 

“Well, I simplify it because it is simple.” Chanyeol responded, getting up. “Poor people can't afford being depressed, that's rich people shit. You just have to wake up, and decide to be happy. It is that easy.” –He answered back; regretting almost immediately every single syllable.

 

Kyungsoo did not wait, as he walked away, being much more agile than Chanyeol; he used his shorter legs to climb down the hill and run away back into the school complex.

 

The taller could have reached him, but by then, maybe it was best to leave him alone.

 

 

He didn't appear on the next day. Nor the other, or the one after that.

 

 

“I heard from Jongin he's in the hospital again” Baekhyun muttered on lunch, while sharing his table with Chanyeol and Junmyeon.

 

“We shouldn't be gossiping; this is a serious subject.” Junmyeon, the wiser voice, noted.

 

“I'm not gossiping. I'm just worrying for my friend, probably as much as you are. Difference is that I try to know what's actually going on, before I get some notice from his parents saying he's fucking dead.” –He spat with no mercy, gritting his teeth as he gripped his fork and knife.

 

 

“Why are you two making such a fuss about it?” –Chanyeol crossed his arms against his chest, looking at his friends, with the usual sleepy face. “He's probably just weeping in his room about how his Richie rich life sucks so much.” He went on, not caring about the gasps from his other friends.

 

“Dude...” –Baekhyun let go of his fork, looking surprised at the latter. “I really hope you are not being serious about what you just said.” He muttered, looking actually sad and worried about his words.

 

 

Chanyeol didn't understand what was that all about. He understood the conception of depression, as something that simply made you sad. He saw it as a condition, something that could be changed, that could be easily fought against.

 

 

He could feel it in the air; how Junmyeon and Baekhyun were sadden and silent after what he said. Maybe it was just out of spite; being somewhat jealous of all the chances Kyungsoo was offered to and refused just because he was sad.

 

It angered him, looking at people with so much, doing so little because they called themselves depressed.

 

“It's not like he lost a leg or something...” He said on the next day, feeling how heavy looking Baekhyun's eyes were.

 

“No, it's not.” He responded calmly, rubbing his reddened nose with the back of his hand. “It's not like he's crippled, or like he got blind; It's not like he has to take care of his brothers every night.” He went on, pointing his fork to Chanyeol teasingly.

 

“You should go see him.” Junmyeon whispered, poking his poached eggs; he had no appetite for that. “You should go there, and look him in the eyes, and then you tell me what you think about it.” His voice seemed altered, like it was holding something back. “You tell me If it looks like just drama.”

 

 

Chanyeol never saw Junmyeon's eyes like that. The corners were red, like they held back rivers of tears. He never saw, in the almost six years he studied in that school, the perfect student that the boy was, storm out of the cafeteria like that.

 

 

He still didn't understand, but felt like he should at least try to.

 

That's why the next day, a Saturday with no clouds in the sky, his documents were being checked and he was waiting to get into Kyungsoo's house complex.

 

He never knew it was that big. He was never invited to go there, no one ever was. He knew Baekhyun, Jongin and Junmyeon had been there, but because they were somewhat neighbors, it made sense.

 

As he pedal his bike to the front yard, Chanyeol saw a man in a suit greeting him from the entrance. He immediately wondered if that was his father, but as soon as the older male opened his mouth, it was clear that it was not.

 

The walls were in an almost creepy white. There was not much furniture, the sun light almost didn't reach the corridors. Heavy curtains covered the large windows.

 

“Madam Do does not stand the brightness; so all the curtains are closed. Please do not touch them” –The butler said as Chanyeol had stopped on his tracks to push one of the curtains, just a little bit.

 

Everything looked so dull. In that house, everything echoed and still, remained silent.

 

It was different from where he lived. There, silence was rare, his brothers and sister never kept quiet. His mother was as loud as himself and his father was louder than both.

He thought his house could make anyone mad, but that place, felt much more like that.

 

 

The butler guided him to what he actually called “chamber”, around the house that was way too big to so few people.

 

 

“Master Kyungsoo; the visitor is here, can I send him in unaccompanied or should I call a maid to keep company to both?” –The older one asked through the door, creaking it open just enough not to let Chanyeol peek in.

 

After some mumbling, the butler opened the door, allowing the younger one in.

 

 

What he saw, could either make him feel relieved or disgusted.

 

Kyungsoo sat quietly in his bed, his delicate round glasses resting on the bridge of his nose as he rested a book on his duvet covered legs.

 

“Such a lovely surprise.” He said to Chanyeol, as the door behind him was closed. “What brings you here? Wanted to make sure I felt like complete shit?” –Kyungsoo spat, reaching to his nightstand to rest the book he was reading.

 

“I wanted to know if you were fine.” The taller one muttered, taking a couple steps further, stopping as he heard Kyungsoo's scoff.

 

“Well, according to you, I'm fucking perfect.” –His tone was still sharp, filled with some sort of sorrow that Chanyeol almost could understand.

 

“Why are you not coming to school?” He asked in a low voice, trying not to sound menacing or harsh. Looking at Kyungsoo like that, did not feel like he was fine.

 

 

Chanyeol always knew Kyungsoo tended to be a little paler than the others, but his skin looked like it was made of paper. His eyes were reddened and dark, lips were also pale and dry. He looked like he was, physically, sick.

 

“I'm not going because I can afford not to. It's one of the great things about being filthy rich, didn't you knew?” –Those words felt like poison, they were meant to hurt, but who were they hurting the most?

 

 

He took another step further, it felt like walking on thin ice, everything about Kyungsoo felt like that.

 

Chanyeol was never the most perceptive person in the world. Big things escaped his eyes, smaller thing even easier did.

Something in that day, made his eyes aware of his surroundings.

 

The flowers on the corner of the room, the water spilled near the bed and the pills under the book the other just placed on the nightstand.

 

“How is it?” He asked in hushed tone, taking a half step forward. He could feel the coldness of the water on his gray sock, but it was fine. It was not important on that moment.

 

“How what is?” –Kyungsoo responded still harsh, taking off his glasses to look better at the taller one.

 

 

“How is it to have that disease?” He asked again, sitting on his bed, not knowing for sure if he could, but doing it anyways.

 

 

There was silence again, and it hurt. Kyungsoo's eyes fell onto his hands, so did Chanyeol's. He could see how hurt they looked, how anxiously the fingers fumbled, how the skin around the nails was ripped and red. Many times he had saw Kyungsoo pick on the skin, bite it, rip it, never before did he notice the wounds.

 

It looked like he was trying to gather words, simple ones, that could make his feelings be understood by the silly giant seating in his bed.

 

 

“It's like I carry something on my back.” –He started with a simple concept. “Sometimes I don't even feel it being there, it's like it has gone away for good.” –Kyungsoo shifted in his seat, hiding his hands under the blankets. “And then sometimes it comes back, and it can be a light breeze of sadness, or a fucking hurricane.” –Chanyeol noticed him choking on his words, and remained silent.

 

“It's not something I can just decide not to have.” –He whispered. “If I could, believe me, I would have decided on it long ago.” –A sad smile broke on his cracked lips, pushing out of his eyes a couple tears that fell directly down.

 

Kyungsoo wiped his red nose with the back of his hand, still looking down, and another single tear fell.

 

 

His tears were always there. Chanyeol saw those tears so many times before, but still, it never felt so heartbreaking.

 

 

“I'm sorry for what I said before.” –The taller one whispered, daring to reach for Kyungsoo's arm, pulling him onto his embrace.

 

He did not ask for permission to hug the smaller one, neither did he thought his embrace would be so welcomed by him.

 

Kyungsoo was silent, as he cried against his friends chest, for what felt like hours. He was accepting his apology, without saying it was 'ok'. Chanyeol knew it wasn't 'ok'.

 

“I can't get rid of it, Chanyeol, I want to, but I can't” –He whispered against the old shirt his friend wore. “I want to get rid of it, but I just can't. It keeps coming back, and it hurts” –He kept talking, as if the words came directly from his heart.

 

Chanyeol understood something that moment.

He understood that he didn't actually understood a single thing, he never did.

 

But that was a beginning.

 

 

On Wednesday he was back to school. Still looking fragile, but sporting some sort of glow he was missing for a couple weeks.

 

“How do you feel today?” Chanyeol asked as his friend scooted closer to him during class, to share all homework he missed.

“Wrecked, but I think I can manage for now.” He said while smiling. It was not convincing, nor it was the smile Chanyeol wanted to see, but it was some sort of beginning.

 

 

They laid again in the grass, a couple days later. Kyungsoo shared his earphones with Chanyeol, as they hummed the song together.

 

The wind was still strong, and hurt his ears as usual. The sun was way up in the sky, ready to touch all of where it could reach.

The colors fit together like pastel paintings, like the ones you see in aesthetic tags on tumblr, with inspiring quotes in bright white across the screen.

It was bucolic and soothing, it was a light breeze free of worries.

 

There were chances of rain that day, even though the clouds were not showing much of it. Kyungsoo felt like it would be nice if it rained; perhaps he could see a rainbow that day.

 

“Why do you keep crying?” –Chanyeol blurted, not intending to hurt Kyungsoo again; he knew that.

 

“I don't know. I really don't...” –He answered to the wind, as Chanyeol moved his head and opened one of his eyes.

 

His large hand encountered the top of his friends head, moving around some of the dark strands. He could feel the softness, sense the flowery smell, he could see the tears running from his face.

Kyungsoo's face turned to him, one eye closed, the other half-opened. He liked that. The way his fingertips brushed against the scalp, scratched, pushed some of the strands away. It felt nice.

 

 

“It's ok” –Chanyeol whispered.

 

Kyungsoo smiled to that. It wasn't forced, fake, it was just a smile. It was not complete happiness, he did not feel whole, but still. It was a smile amongst tears. It was a smile, because Chanyeol was there. He was sad, but he didn't felt so alone now.

 

“Let me dry those.” The taller muttered, pushing his body up, in the direction of the latter. His hands were dirty with earth and dew, and made a mess against Kyungsoo's pale white skin.

 

It was not bad, though. He did not fight against it, he did not punch Chanyeol in the gut and told him to “fuck off”, he just kept smiling and laughing like he should always do.

 

So his tears kept coming out, but they didn't look sad, as Chanyeol kept wiping them, as his sly lips stole tiny kisses from his reddened cheeks, just like they did when younger, and just stopped as he asked him to stop, or his bladder would burst.

 

There was silence, only the wind and the fading sound of Kyungsoo's earphones against the grass.

 

“Do you feel lighter yet?” –Chanyeol whispered again, while the back of his hand brushed away the dirt on the others face.

 

Kyungsoo's smile was weak, but his nod was strong.

 

 

“Next time you feel heavy, I'll be here to help you carry it. And I'll tie your feet on mine, so the hurricane never takes you away.” He never thought such words would make him choke so easily. In one second, those smooth words, transformed Kyungsoo into a sobbing mess.

 

Chanyeol was worried his words would seem too straight forward. Maybe Kyungsoo didn't want someone there to help him. He never looked for help of his friends before, and maybe he just didn't want to.

 

Ne never thought Kyungsoo's smile would shine so beautifully, at his words, right after so many tears, while they fell still. He could have foreseen bad reactions, punches and screaming, but never that smile, the one that saidf “I am broken. I feel broken. I don't want your help, but I need it anyways. I will push you away, and when I do it, please come closer.”

 

 

 

 

Chanyeol didn't understand the properties of depression. He didn't understand what it was made of, what made it appear in such different people, why it was not something you could just shrug and go on.

 

He did understood now, that it was a burden no one wanted to carry. He saw in his friends eyes, that it was not a cry for attention, but a cry for help. He understood that the monster that hid in his shadows would never leave, but that he could shooed with help.

 

Kyungsoo understood all the medical definition of his depression. He understood it was never going to leave, and that he mostly had to deal with it alone.

 

He didn't understood why Chanyeol seemed so interested on who he was. He didn't understand why so suddenly he looked like he cared, but he accepted it. Each and every hug, because when his friends asked him out and he refused, Chanyeol would tie their ankles tighter, and hold his monster with him.

He ended up understanding, that his disease was not a battle he needed to fight alone, that sometimes letting others in, make everything at least seem easier.

 

Both still had a lot to learn, about life, and themselves. They had the time to learn, they had the persistence to keep going. If one faltered, the other held his pieces together. Maybe that would end, and their ways would go apart, but that was one of those thoughts Kyungsoo learned not to worry about.

 

Chanyeol understood his job was to dry Kyungsoo's tears, no matter what it took.

Kyungsoo understood that he could count on Chanyeol's hands to do so.

 

 

It was a long way to run, but, slowly, things felt lighter. And hurricanes turned into soft breeze.

**Author's Note:**

> My first posting in AO3. This story was written a long time ago, reflecting my own issues with my depression. I'd like to think, I'm both main characters. I feel it, but I don't understand it as well.  
> This may come in an unfortunate time, because of recent events. But because of those, I found myself thinking once again on my own condition.
> 
> If you go through this... You're not alone. I can't fix it, I can't make it better, and I don't know how to.  
> Seek medical help, surround yourself with positive, loving people.  
> You are not alone.


End file.
